Slowing Down: Moving the Focus Away From Orgasms
Orgasms are incredible and awesome, and we should ideally all be having them. A lot of them. Unfortunately, that’s not the reality for a lot of women.
Throw Your Formula out the Window
A lot of sexual interactions, especially heterosexual ones feel like this formulaic act of making out, dry humping and heavy petting, clothes come off, hands to genitals, penetration, someone (usually the person with the penis) comes, and you roll off each other in a sweaty, tired slump.
It’s a rise and a fall. Running up a mountain and back down again. Sometimes this works, don’t get me wrong, but often times it leaves women feeling like they’re missing something, orgasm or not.
More than Orgasms
Most of the pop culture information out there on women’s sex lives focuses on how to have more orgasms. More, more more. While everyone should be able to have as many orgasms as they want, that’s not all that sex is about.
Sex is one of the most intimate ways we can connect with each other as humans. When we overemphasize orgasms, we tend to have a one-pointed focus. Sex becomes a means to an end, versus a chance for exploration and tenderness.
This approach to sex seems very linear, and frankly- boring.
Now that’s not to say you should put up with sex that doesn’t feel pleasurable- hell no. It’s that for whatever reason, orgasms don’t always happen every time you have sex- and that’s perfectly ok. Orgasm centered sex makes it a sort of achievement, like a sporting event instead of a sacred act.
Sex is Not a Transaction
While reciprocity is important in relationships, there’s more to them than that. When we overemphasize orgasms, sex can become transactional, instead of interactional.
Thoughts like “He made me cum, so I guess I need to go down on him now” take the magic out of the moment, and keep you from recognizing what your current needs are. Maybe you do want to go down on your partner, but that desire should be coming from a place of sensuality, not obligation.
Moving away from orgasm centered sex and towards connection allows us to move intuitively with our partner, instead of falling into an old habit. This allows you to become present in the moment. When you’re really in the zone, call it “flow state”, time seems to stop. You drop in savor every moment, every touch. Every one of your cells feels electric and the sounds escaping you seem utterly primal.
Wondering how to integrate more “flow” into your sex life?
- Slow Down. This one seems like a no brainer, but when we’re stuck in a pattern, we often jump straight to the main event. Foreplay could last for days leading up to sex. Playful banter, make-out sessions that would make teen you jealous, flirty texts. When you do get down to business, give yourself space to not rush. To savor every moment and…
- Explore. Explore your partner’s body, your own body, little crevices you may not yet be familiar with. Try different amounts of pressure, different sensations, and ways of engaging with another body. Allow yourself to…
- Focus on every sensation. Clit stimulation rocks, obviously, but instead of pulling out the big guns right away, encourage your partner to get you riled up by slowly moving through your body so that you can feel each and every pulse, brush, and wave. Don’t forget to…
- Drop into your body. Now is not the time to think about the laundry you forgot to put in the dryer. If you find yourself getting too heady try…
- Deep breaths. This seems simple enough, but we tend to hold our breath in intense moments, even the good ones. Encourage blood flow and mindfulness by breathing into certain areas of your body. You can even try syncing your breath with your partner’s. Whew, now that’s deep.
- Circulate the energy. Understanding how to manipulate and move your energy through practices like Yoga, Tai Chi, breathwork and meditation, allows you to carry these skills over into your sex life. This movement of “Prana” or “Qi/Chi” gives you the power to transfer orgasmic energy and sensations to every part of your body. Sound wild? That’s because it is.
- Masturbate more. That’s right folks! My mama always said “You have to figure out what you like first, so you can tell your lovers how to do it right!”. Try taking all these tips into your solo sex sessions.
Sometimes we need a quickie to knock ourselves out at night or relieve some stress, but try to integrate slowing down and dropping in with yourself. The more practice you have, the more naturally it will come with a partner.
We are orgasmic creatures. The pleasure humans are capable of is nothing short of incredible, but we encourage you to take a closer look at what pleasure means to you. Believe it or not. What many people find when they stop putting so much pressure on orgasms- is that they orgasm more and more. Taking the stress off leads to the perfect hormonal cocktail for an explosive night (or morning) of delight.
So tune in, drop-in, and be prepared for sensations deeper than you’ve ever experienced.
Natasha (she/they) is a full spectrum doula, reproductive health content creator, and sexual wellness consultant. Her work focuses on deconstructing the shame, stigma, and barriers people carry around birth, sex, and beyond, to help people navigate through their lives with more pleasure, softness, and sensuality. You can connect with Natasha on IG @spectrumoflovedoula.