You’re out minding your own business, having the time of your life. You lock eyes from across the room. You feel electric shocks throughout your whole body, everyone else seems to fade away, and it’s just you two in the room.
Some people call it eye f*!king, others call it destiny. Either way, you both know you’re in for a wild ride- or night.
One night stands. While we all have our own relationship to sex and hookups, one night stands are a part of the journey for many of us. For the sake of this article, we’ve made up a new acronym- ONS.
Amidst the heavy shame programming that we carry around sexuality, ONSs are not necessarily celebrated- at least not for women.
We’re all familiar with the classic double standard. Boy and girl hook up. Boy is high-fived and congratulated, girl is called a slut. This prevents many women from going after an experience that they’re desiring, or hide it once they do.
While some ONSs feel sloppy, uncoordinated, and far too casual, they have the potential to be magical moments of connection. A burst of electricity between two people, fueled by excitement and curiosity.
Sure trust and comfort build with time, but there are some connections that go beyond time and space. Sometimes you meet someone you feel like you’ve known for lifetimes after just two mojitos. You have your magical night and are left with only the memory afterwards. This is why we’re making the case for one night stands, and why they don’t have to be casual.
Drop The Expectations
Maybe it’s been a while since you’ve gotten your rocks off. You may be in the midst of what we like to tenderly call a “dry spell”. You finally decide it’s time for the drought to end. Bring on the flood! So you make plans to go out with friends, or meet up with the cutie you’ve been chatting with on your favorite dating app. While this can work out sometimes, it can also set you up for disappointment by creating unrealistic expectations.
Expectations equal the pressure. Pressure is not sexy. Pressure takes us out of the moment and causes us to make decisions that are not in alignment with what we truly need.
We get it. Dry spells can lead to extreme sexual frustration, and sometimes expectations are inevitable. So please, have the girls night, go on the date. Do all the things, but leave room for spontaneity. Leave room for magic.
Get Out There and Explore
One night stands can be a fun way to explore different sides of your sexuality outside of the confines of a relationship. Not that relationships are necessarily confining, but we all get in our habits.
We’re in a new decade, a new era of sexual exploration, and we are a curious bunch of humans. Collectively, we are becoming more accepting and open-minded to the idea of sexual encounters and identities outside the norm.
Hookups create the opportunity to experiment with different roles, toys, identities, types of people, and parts of yourself that you may not be familiar with. Spontaneity and experimentation go hand in hand.
Variety is the spice of life after all.
Taking Alcohol Out of The Equation
When we think ONSs, we usually associate them with alcohol and a night out. This unbreakable link between hooking up and drinking is not necessarily conducive to a sexually liberated society. On the contrary, it can lead to blurred lines of consent and boundaries, and a disconnection from the present moment.
We’re not here to booze shame anyone. Please feel free to live your life. While a couple drinks may ease your nerves and give you more liquid courage, it can come with its own consequences.
Besides, what’s sexier than meeting someone where you least expect it? On a hike, at your local coffee shop, or the aisle of the grocery store- and letting nature run its course.
We’re Sexual Beings
We are sexual creatures. The survival of our species depends on it, and the opportunity for intimacy lurks around every corner. Spontaneous sexual experiences bring profound inspiration to our lives. They remind us of the captivating pull of human desire and connection. This is absolutely possible, even with someone you just met.
They don’t have to be your forever to experience true intimacy.
It Goes Without Saying…
But we have to put in the disclaimer: Stay safe. It may not seem hot, but health is sexy! So is communication. Talk about your sexual health and history, and use protection. If you need an icebreaker, explain to your new fling why when it comes to STIs, the stigma is often worse than the reality.
Get Out There
Let this be your excuse (not that you needed one) to give yourself permission. Permission to experiment, to explore, to feel the capacity for connection we have as sexual beings. The world is your oyster, and there’s plenty of fish in the sea.
Natasha (she/they) is a full spectrum doula, reproductive health content creator, and sexual wellness consultant. Her work focuses on deconstructing the shame, stigma, and barriers people carry around birth, sex, and beyond, to help people navigate through their lives with more pleasure, softness, and sensuality. You can connect with Natasha on IG @spectrumoflovedoula.