Why Do I Never Orgasm During Sex?
Many of us grow up expecting sex to be one big explosion of limbs, sweat and a lot of breathless swearing. So when you realize that the big O likes playing hard to get, it’s natural to feel a little cheated. Statistics vary, but one survey found that around 95% of men orgasm most or every time they have sex, compared to only 57% of women (and a considerably higher number for women in same sex relationships). So what is going on?! Why the orgasm chasm? We delve deep and look at some of the reasons you’re not getting yours when he’s getting his…
1. Not Enough Clitorial Action
Containing around 8000 super-sensitive nerve endings, the clitoris is the most erogenous part of the female body. It is most recognizable from its small button-like structure (the external glans) located above the vaginal and urethral openings, however most of the clitoral anatomy is below the surface, extending under the labia majora and wrapping itself around the vagina.
Experts suggest that most women need clitoral stimulation of some kind in order to reach orgasm and around 38% of women do not orgasm specifically because of a lack of clitoral stimulation. Using your hands or a personal massager, you and your partner can give this pleasure powerhouse the attention it (and you) deserves.
2. The Rule of Thumb
But what about the women who can orgasm from penetration alone? Well, a theory was proposed in 1924 by Princess Marie Bonaparte, the great-grandniece of Napoleon, no less, to answer this question. Extensive research led Bonaparte to believe that the distance between the clitoris and vaginal opening was key in determining a woman’s ability to reach orgasm through penetrative sex alone.
Women whose clitorises (C) were positioned less than 2.5 inches (from the tip of your thumb to the first knuckle) away from the vagina’s opening (V), were more likely to reach orgasm from vaginal penetration because the clitoris would also be receiving stimulation. Those women whose C-V distance was further away would therefore require extra stimulation. Don’t rush to grab a ruler – this is just a theory! More importantly…
3. You Don’t Know What You Like
If you don’t know what pushes your buttons, your partner isn’t going to either. Masturbating and exploring your body allows you to figure out your unique route to orgasm and quite literally put your finger on exactly what you like. Experimenting with pressure, speed, rhythm, and internal and external massaging will give you way more confidence in your pleasure and how to implement these moves with your partner. For more reasons why you should masturbate, click here (as if we really need another excuse).
4. You Just Can’t Switch Off
The brain is perhaps the most important sex organ in men and women, overseeing the entire show from start to finish. However, it can also get the way of you having a good time. Thinking too much or allowing your mind to wander can dim sexual responses and make achieving orgasm slip further from your grasp. Keeping your mind on the task at hand and in that sweet spot between relaxed and focused is the key. If you feel your concentration drifting, steer your mind back to sexier thoughts (not your grocery list), talk dirty to your partner or even to yourself and don’t be afraid to fantasize!
5. You’re Doing It Wrong!
We kid! But seriously, there are some positions that are way better for clitoral stimulation than plain old missionary. Ideally, you want as much access to your clitoris as possible so on-top positions are great. Using hands or a vibrator, you have the freedom to massage yourself externally for optimum feels.
You can also try the C.A.T (Coital Alignment Technique) position, which is a sex therapist favorite. Like a normal missionary, the man positions himself as high up as he can get, so that his ahem, member, is rubbing on your clitoris as it penetrates you. Meow!
6. Faking It
Many Oscar-worthy performances have been made in the heat of the night, as Meg Ryan proved with her (all-too recognizable) fake orgasm in “When Harry Met Sally”. While faking it is roundly condemned as a carnal faux pas, we’ve all felt the need to do it at one time or another, probably to put our partner out of their gyrating misery. But, resorting to fake orgasms as an easy-way-out or to avoid awkwardness is a slippery slope.
Giving your partner the wrong idea, it leads them to believe what they are doing works and you can be sure they’ll try it next time. Communicate and be honest, after all, you guys are in this together!
7. The Blame Game
This is really important – do not pity, resent or get angry with your partner for not making you orgasm. Give credit where credit is due; if he’s trying super hard to mix things up and make sure you’re having as good a time as he is, he deserves respect.
If he gives up easy and doesn’t seem to care about your enjoyment, he’s probably not worth it in the first place. Getting frustrated or upset with you partner is not sexy, for either of you. Be patient, communicate and lead the way!
8. It’s the Taking Part that Counts
Sex is not all about finishing! Regarding orgasms as the vital bookend to sex puts tons of pressure on you and your partner and takes away from all the things that make sex so enjoyable in the first place.
Being intimate, exploring each other’s bodies and making an emotional, as well as physical connection, are way more important. Bringing anxiety and pressure into the mix is not the sort of intensity you want beneath the sheets. After all, sex is supposed to be a stress reliever, not a stress-inducer.
While reaching orgasm is certainly not as straightforward for women as it is for men, practice and a bit of experimentation will help you get there. Cracking the code to orgasmic bliss takes time but oh boy, is it worth it…
A collective group of “lady experts” at Intimina who love sharing our personal experiences, even when they are a little too personal. We believe it’s time to start breaking down the taboos around menstruation, motherhood, and menopause, and start owning our female health.
What is the guy supposed to do when he does all that and she still can’t get off, or reach orgasim thru oral, masterbation any and all sexual positions
Hi Michael,
you can always try to meditate and relax a bit more… But, have you asked for medical advice? You may need to do some tests.
Best
i feel you michael
What about for a girl that can orgasm alone through stimulating but not penetration as it always hurts then I fear the pain
Hi my wife Dosent orgasm in intercourse she loved to masturbate and orgasm ..what is the solution to this
Hi Als,
thank you for this question. First, masturbation is healthy so be happy that your wife is exploring her body and pleasure. Then, try to “invite” sex toys to your bed. You can start by exploring together, we are sure you will enjoy it as well. And, talk, talk, talk to your wife. And try, try, try different stimulations. Sex is a love game, so play.
Have a great day
I’m female, 37 and never once had an orgasm or ejaculated during sex.
I have even had boyfriends give me a vibrator, probably because they can’t do it for me.
I can ejaculate with these toys. But never with a man. Makes you feel like something is wrong with u.
I mean, I could live without see tbh, it does nothing for me 🙁
why can i make myself finish but i can’t when i’m having sex? my partner does everything right and it feels great – i feel like im about to finish but i could just keep going and never tip over the edge.
I had.difficulty having.orgasm even when my husband made effort.2 things felt pressured to come and my immaturity to talk about it. Just to add another detail I felt his feelings would hurt.him i am 71 now, been a while. There are stories to tell. Just TALK even when it’s difficult and uncomfortable. I regret not talking more.
My partner and i are having issue because during sex i don’t orgasm (cum) and it makes me feel bad
I can’t make myself orgasm even with My partner, what’s the best solution for this coz I really feel uncomfortable for this what should I do
My story: I wound up consistently APOLOGIZING to my boyfriends for my lack of responsiveness. Some complained and eventually stopped seeing me as they were ‘unhappy’ with the fact I couldn’t feel a damn thing and my performance was lacking. Ultimately climaxing became irrelevant to myself. I eventually just gave up as the juice was definitely not worth the squeeze of trying to achieve what was only a small spasm in the lower back. Too much effort for no reward plus the embarrassment, the stress, the tension, the anxiety. I always felt like I was competing against past lovers in some sort of Olympic gymnastic event in which I was never a ’10’.
I had my first orgasm at 36 through oral. And my first at 41 through penetration, doggy style. The oral, he put effort to learn and did it on me. The penetration. A different guy. Just knew what he was doing lol. So both times, they just knew what they were doing. But then after. I’ve had very satisfying sex with a guy who can’t give me orgasms only bc I’ve enjoyed the time together on our together nights, the conversation, the connection, and eye contact. A long time ago I enjoyed sex without orgasm bc there was emotional bonding and security. Sexual pleasure is complicated, for me at least lol. I’ve had it physically, emotionally, mentally differently, with different ppl. I hope I find happiness before I die lol! Oh wait. Journey. Not destination. Ok. Haha ❤️🙏
hi there to those women who can’t orgasm during sex, I feel for you but it’s not the end. the key is vaginal exercise. kegel exercises. do them all day. even in bed. first thing in the morning and last thing at night. believe me it makes a huge difference. squeeze your vaginal muscles during sex, let it go as if ur going to pee but you want pee. I have spoken to a few women a d they tell me the exact same thing. one said she feels she needs to pee but she stops her self I said to to let it go. that’s what it feels like but u don’t actually pee .. unless u want to pee then go toilet. but believe me I can’t stress on this enough. do vaginal exercise for your body to help you orgasm believe me it helps a lot.
Please I need help, I’m having issues getting to orgasm with my partner but it is easy for me to get to orgasm by myself. It always makes me feel bad because my partner feels like I am not enjoying the sex but I truly am and all the time and I love sex, I just don’t get to orgasm while we are having sex but most times I feel as though something is about to come out but at the end It doesn’t. Please what can I do?
Man, i feel like such a failure. I can’t orgasm even by myself (touching doesn’t feel like anything, if i use vibrators i only feel the vibration but nothing else), oral sex? Nope, nothing at all. Penetration? Nah. I feel like a blow up doll who only has sex because it feels great for the other person, but it doesn’t even feel pleasurable for me.
This is also happening to me to me everything the other lady said, I also feel like a blow up doll that my body only pleasures others And does nothing for me . At all zero, I think I could have a medical problem or very weak pelvic floor, my gp is investigation now for me surely if my body can pleasure partners it should be giving me pleasure has its mine. Or it could be spinal issues