The common consensus around sexuality is that you might take some time figuring out, but once you do – that’s it. You know who and what you like, and you get to stay in that safe container for the rest of your sexual life.
This is great if it works for you, however it doesn’t need to be like that.
How Sexuality Evolves
Just as we grow and change throughout our lives, so does our sexuality, and our relationship to sex. If you’re curious about the world, about experiencing, feeling, and understanding more, your sexuality is an incredible way to evolve as a human. Because it’s never-ending. There’s always room for more exploration.
While diving into your sexuality can bring up pain, shame, and discomfort, it also offers a chance for you to grow and heal. Sexuality is exciting to explore, and the changes can be subtle and nuanced.
Your experiences and what you’re exposed to in your life helps shape various parts of yourself. Why would it be any different with sexuality? This journey can be used as a tool of self discovery, an opportunity to learn more about yourself, and how you relate to the world around you.
Sexuality is Expansive
While people tend to think of sexuality in terms of what genders you’re attracted to, it goes beyond this. Yes, gender preferences are important, and shape a large part of your sexuality, but there’s more to the picture.
For many people, our sex lives are one of the main places we get to understand collaboration, interaction, pleasure, and intimacy. How you relate to yourself and your partner(s) in the bedroom, can reflect or impact how you operate in other areas of your life.
For instance, oftentimes you can tell when someone is having good sex regularly. There’s a special glow or radiance to them. This is an example of how your sexuality feeds into your everyday life, and helps you feel better as a person.
Your sexuality is also about how you want to give and receive. How do you communicate your needs and desires, and how do you reciprocate when your partner communicates theirs?
Sex is more than just the physical act. It’s how you interact with the world in a sensual way. How you express your sexuality can carry over into so many other areas of your life. You can express your sexuality by tapping into your senses. This can happen when you’re eating, spending time in nature, and other activities that help you feel embodied and alive.
How to Actively Evolve Your Sexuality
If your sexuality is feeling stagnant or stuck, but this is resonating with you. There are steps that you can take to help it actively grow.
- Take Inventory: You can understand your sexual journey by reflecting on what big milestones or events helped shape and shift your relationship to sex and sexuality.
- Make a Bucket List: What sort of activities or feelings – sexual or not – do you want to experience in your life?
- Try a Toy: Incorporating new toys into your sex life can help you experience new sensations, that might open up different areas of your sexuality. Anything from a vibrator, dildo, sex swings, cushions, the possibilities are nearly endless here. These can be used with or without a partner.
- Masturbate: Solo sex offers you the opportunity to get to know more about your sexuality, without another person present. Approach this with a sense of curiosity. What sort of fantasies pop into your mind? How can you try something new and break out of any sexual rut you may be in?
- Get Kinky: Kink may or may not involve sex, but kink can help you break into new territories of your sexuality. Kink helps people learn about communication, vulnerability, surrender, and power dynamics.
- Play Games: Sex games and activities brings playfulness into your sex life. Play offers a new element of lightheartedness which can help break down any walls you’re feeling in your sexuality.
Use Outside Resources
This deserves it’s own section. While sexual evolution is a personal journey, it is also collaborative.
You can pull on the resources around you to help dive deeper into your sexuality.
The most obvious resource being your partner, or partners. Opening up the conversation about what sexuality means to them, can help you understand yours better, and how they intertwine together.
Reaching out to professional support like a sex therapist, sex coach, consultant, or sex educator, can give you new tools, and a safe container for you to work through areas of your sexuality that may feel painful, or that you’re stuck in.
There is also an increasing number of free tools on the internet. Check out sex educators on Instagram, YouTube, and of course – Intimina’s blog.
Another way to help you create language and support around your sexuality is to find communities. With social media and the internet, there are so many virtual communities at your fingertips. Communities are the backbone to feeling comfortable and secure in your sexuality. Find ones that resonate with you.
Lastly, be easy on yourself. There is no need to rush this process, or push yourself to be someone that you’re not. This is your journey.
Natasha (she/they) is a full spectrum doula, reproductive health content creator, and sexual wellness consultant. Her work focuses on deconstructing the shame, stigma, and barriers people carry around birth, sex, and beyond, to help people navigate through their lives with more pleasure, softness, and sensuality. You can connect with Natasha on IG @spectrumoflovedoula.